Chrissy G

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Rhythm And Rhyme

It has been suggested tome to try and write in meter. In this poem I have attempted Trimeter, so here it goes!!

Overwhelmed By Christina Grimaldi

When you point one finger
Three point back at you

I tried my best to help
You could have tried too

The burden of 100 men
Walk with me in my shoes

An angel? Indeed I am
Broken wings? I have 2

posted by Chrissy G @ 11:14 PM  

5 Comments:

  • At November 5, 2004 at 10:13 AM, Blogger L said…

    I really like the first two lines: "When you point one finger/Three point back at you". It really gives me a sense of being overwhelmed (as the title suggests) and I can definitely relate to it. Sometimes at work when I am trying my best to be polite, and a customer just gets under my skin, I sometimes snap and out comes a rude overtone in my voice...to five minutes later having a manager come to scold me...with his three fingers pointing at me. The customer is always right, you know! (grr...)
    I also like the image of the broken wings...an angel can't do much without wings.

     

  • At November 10, 2004 at 5:05 PM, Blogger Chrissy G said…

    I actually wrote this poem for my mother. This is supposed to be from her point of view. She has lived a hard life and her struggles are what inspired me to write this poem.

     

  • At November 11, 2004 at 8:22 AM, Blogger anthonyferreira said…

    Good attempt at meter. In a couple places such as the last line, I read it as possibly having four stresses, deviating from the meter (but this may just be my reading). As for the poem itself, I'm not too fond of the quesions in the last couplet, as they interupt the rhythm established be the Trimeter earlier in the poem. It seems to introduce a voice - either the narrator's or another voice. If this is the voice of the narrator of the poem - it seems somewhat egoistic for the narrator to claim to be an angel, especially with enough confidence to say 'Indeed' I'm an angel. Other than this, in the last line you rhyme (with the rhyme scheme - AB CB DB EB)'two' with 'too' from line 4. For me this rhyme is too close. Also, The use of 'you' in line two and its use in line 4, although in different contexts it sounds a bit strange to use these two back to back.

    Lastly, I don't really understand the first 4 lines of the poem. The first two lines seem to show that when someone tries to place blame on someone else, other people place the blame on that original pointer-of-fingers. Then in lines 3&4, the narrator is pointing the finger. I'm not sure how this makes here an angel in lines 7&8. She's an angel because she blames other people? I'm not sure I understand the relation.

     

  • At November 12, 2004 at 6:53 PM, Blogger anthonyferreira said…

    Oh man - I posted a lengthy analysis of this poem but for some reason it didn't post! Damnit Blogger!

     

  • At November 13, 2004 at 9:23 AM, Blogger anthonyferreira said…

    Ignore my previous statement :o 2 days later and now its posted.

     

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